It must be awesome to be a rock because you just live there, nude, you don’t sleep and you’re just enjoying the view. You’re in your own bed of geodude-looking rocks and you don’t get to eat, right? So you wanna cry, right? But you can’t fuck either ’cause you’re a fucking rock. Still, we feel no pain. That why rocks rock. Case closed.

-Brock Gunderson… not! It’s me.

Captains log. I am staring at the absolute abyss. There is absolutely nothing I can do in front of the terror that is life. Every single day I try to cope with the fact that most of the people that I see around me or absolute morons. I salute my stereotypical stupid trendy preppy artificial hypocritical racist selfish dishonorable douchebag muggles. But the moment that a slice of pizza touches the tip of my tongue, I forget all about it for one fleeting moment of tantalizing ooh la laa.

so I was balancing a yogurt in one hand and trying to pick up a clump of cat hair up with the other and an incident happened

I am the secretary of your crotch and your crotch has a lot of mammals to send

To the contrary of popular belief, metrosexual czars are not people that fuck inside subway carts in their spare time. That’s a bummer, man.

When I was younger, I got licked right in the face by a cow. It felt like boiling tar was stuck to rugged sandpaper.  I felt like my face was somehow poisoned. It felt so wrong that I didn’t give a fuck that he liked me anymore. I ate steak that night.

The first thing my friend did when he realized that he can design his own spaceship in a video game, the first idea that came into his  mind was to build a giant flaming ballsack with “SEX” written in big, blocky letters. That’s the kind of world we live in, folks! Sometimes it’s not so bad!